Molding a Dominant
By Aiko Gaea
http://slurl.com/secondlife/Isle of Shadows/154/165/504

I’m often asked by fledgling dominants I meet, “How do you develop dominance?” This is a tricky question and isn’t simply answered in a single class or article. I’ll try in this article, though daunting in its scope, to impart my thoughts on the subject. This article encompasses some things I’ve learned over the years but should not be considered strict rules.

Some would have you believe a dominant is born it’s a natural state. Though there are natural born leaders I would disagree that there are natural born dominants. It’s a learned skill, almost a state mind or being. I’ll try and address some of the basic tenants, that can and indeed should be used in developing your dominance.

I’ve been in the BDSM lifestyle in RL and SL on and off for a number of years. However this doesn’t make me an expert by any means. I’m constantly learning. Quite often I see my own shortcomings as a dominant. I admit them to myself and try and overcome these shortcomings, improving myself. That’s something we should all keep in mind. Everyday we’ll learn something new or appreciate a new perspective on domination.

I won’t sugar coat it and I don’t want to frighten you, dear reader, away from becoming a dominant but keep in mind, becoming a dominant is fraught with perils and huge amounts of responsibility. It is not something to be taken on lightly. You’ll find you have duties and responsibilities to yourself, your submissives, and the BDSM community as a whole. You’ll perhaps find yourself being a mentor, a teacher, a lover, a psychologist or a therapist to yourself, others in the community or your submissives. You may and most probably will experience drama. It can be daunting the amount of responsibility you take on becoming a dominant, but it does have its rewards.

Within a BDSM relationship or in the community as a whole, being dominant is a state of mind. It encompasses how you conduct yourself, your self control and your actions. It is not a sex act, it is not a game, and it is not a role. It is a state of being and is totally asexual, neither male nor female. Being dominant is almost a state of Zen. As I’ve said time and again just because you’re big and strong and can swing a whip…That doesn’t make you a dominant.

There are many aspects of ones self that go into becoming a dominant and it is constantly developed over time. You can not expect to become a professional or even a good dominant overnight. It is a constant state of learning and self evaluation, you evolve over time. It is important to have an open mind, be observant and to allow your self to learn, no matter what the source.

There are no experts in our lifestyle, though there may be some with more experience than others. But there are no experts, just as there is no one correct way to practice BDSM. The dominant you become is already within yourself, it’s up to you how you evolve and develop that dominant.

Now let’s look at some best practices that hopefully will get you on the road to developing your dominance. Being the best dominant you can be.

First and foremost, respect for all and common courtesy is an integral part of being dominant. We as dominants lead by example, therefore, A dominant is always a gentleman or lady. Though it is fine to act the part of a dominant, don’t do this with a haughty attitude. There is no excuse for being impolite or rude to others.

One of the most profound writings or guides on the subject of domination I’ve ever run across is the 7 pillars of dominance, though short and to the point, this writing points out basic tenants of dominance.

It’s basic premise is humility. You might think “How does humility apply to dominance?” Humility is a form of self awareness if you will. It’s the means by which we discover and admit to ourselves that we don’t know everything. The application of humility allows us to learn, to accept our mistakes and the responsibility that goes with them. The ability to say, “I’m sorry”. Humility makes us human and tempers our egos. The ego which being a dominant can become our downfall.

Now let’s look at some aspects and thoughts that define the dominant.

One very important aspect is control. A dominant must and should always be in control and by control I don’t just mean your submissive, it is essential you have and maintain control of yourself, your ego, your temper, and your emotions. I don’t mean being cold and hiding everything inside, we’re all human after all. That’s not expected. What is expected is maintaining a measure of control over all aspects of yourself and your actions. How you conduct yourself.

For example drugs, even alcohol, are mind and body controlling agents. They can rob you of control when over indulging. It’s fine to partake with moderation but they can affect relationships and most importantly can affect a scene, therefore taking away the control the dominant must have.

Another is honesty. A dominant is always honest. To lie is to show you cannot be trusted and a submissive must be able to trust you, to respect you. Trust is built and earned over time. Most submissives knows that not every dominant is super experienced and will respect you much more if you tell the truth.

Be honest with a submissive about your level of experience with others and the submissive. The submissive can even help you to gain experience and can really an enjoyable learning process. Tell the submissive up-front if you do not wish a monogamous relationship. Most submissives understand and even expect this in a dominant. You may not get that particular submissive but you will not lose her or his respect.

A very important aspect to domination is responsibility. A dominant accepts responsibility for all his or her actions. Everyone makes mistakes. Do what is needed to make amends, and correct it. Accept and admit the fact that you messed up, and be open minded enough to learn from the experience. To seek an excuse for something going wrong, to assign blame or hurting someone will cause you to lose respect.

A dominant may expect but does not demand respect. No dominant demands strangers to call him or her Master or Mistress. Respect is earned over time. Demanding a Master or Mistress salutation on your name means nothing, it is a word that when not earned is meaningless. Those that know you and respect you will call you Master or Mistress when you earn it, not before.

Remember, to other dominants you are not their Master or Mistress you are their equal do not demand them to ever call you that. This is a matter of etiquette.

A dominant knows and understands the differences between needs, desires and

wants. Your own and your submissives. Dominance does not encompass self interest. Just as your submissive is giving themselves to you, you are giving yourself to your submissive/s. Yes, you have needs, desires and wants as a dominant. In a perfect example of a dominant/submissive relationship, as you meet the needs of your submissive your meet your own needs, understanding is the key.  For example, the submissive may want a 24/7 relationship with an understanding dominant. The submissive may desire a short relationship with a crude rude person. The submissive may need a stable sharing marriage. Understanding the difference is paramount to developing your skills as a good dominant.

Now its time to look at some general duties of a dominant

It is the duty of a dominant to control his/her emotions.

To punish a submissive in anger or to lash out to anyone is abusive. Always apply respect and politeness. Explain the “why” of the punishment and confirm they understand.

It is the duty of a dominant to remember that submission is a gift.

To misuse this gift is abusive. When the submissive is not free to take back the gift it is no longer a gift. Though there are different levels of submission it is always given freely.

It is the duty of a dominant to watch over and protect all submissives.

This does not mean to protect them from finding some other dominant and to keep them for oneself. It does not mean being the relationship police. It means observing and speaking out for the rights or against abuse of the submissive.

It is the duty of a dominant to take only a submissive that will match him or her. A submissive that is not into whips should not belong to a dominant that loves to whip submissives. It is essential that you understand the submissives limits and those limits are compatible with your style of domination.

It is the duty of a dominant to take only the amount of submissives the dominant can properly handle, control, love, comfort and care for. Submissives are not collectables. The amount of submissives you own does not increase your standing as a dominant.

Do not keep a submissive hanging, giving false hopes. Free and release the submissive so

the submissive can move forward with finding the right dominant.

It is the duty of a dominant to watch and monitor the scene carefully and to ensure the

submissive is not being harmed physically, psychologically or emotionally.

At any time the slightest thing can go wrong and the scene is ruined for the submissive and pleasure becomes actual pain. Being observant is another essential trait of a good dominant.

It is the duty of a dominant after a scene to ensure the submissive is emotionally stable.

During a scene the submissive is filled with hormones. Afterwards the body reduces them

and may cause severe depression to the extent of being suicidal. This is why after care of a submissive and your self is so important. A few cuddles and words of reassurance go a long way in stabilizing the emotional high both you and your submissive may have experienced.

The submissive must be made to understand the depression and/or emotional release is normal and expected. Normal emotions will return in hours to a day. Anything longer could be a sign of emotional instability in the submissive and must be corrected before doing another scene. Each person reacts differently; some stay high for weeks and when they come down, seek the scene again to regain the high. This also can lead to problems such as longer, more intense and dangerous scenes, with unknown dominants.

Something of note, a dominant can also experience this depression after a high from the scene. So those cuddles I mentioned earlier, are not only for your submissive.  

Now lets look at some responsibilities of a dominant

It is the responsibility of a dominant to ensure an un-owned submissive is guided to a

dominant that is suited to the submissive's wants, needs and desires.

It is the responsibility of a dominant to ensure the submissive knows what being abusive is. To ensure this is to ensure the submissive knows when to call it quits.

It is the responsibility of a dominant to ensure the submissive knows what the

submissive's rights are.

It is the responsibility of a dominant to teach the submissive information about the

lifestyle. An ignorant submissive can be hurt by not having the knowledge necessary to participate in the lifestyle.

It is the responsibility of a dominant to ensure the submissive grows and develops under

the dominant's ownership, in both the lifestyle and the public life.

Being submissive only means being a "doormat" when the submissive has made it clear

that is what the submissive is looking for.

Now within our community these can be looked at as etiquette they are for the most part standing rules that should not be breached by any dominant and are considered dishonorable.

For a dominant to allow a submissive to be actually harmed in any way is dishonorable.

For a dominant to allow a submissive's rights to be violated is dishonorable.

For a dominant to play with and discard a submissive just for amusement is dishonorable

(exception is a submissive that has declared this is the treatment they need).

Unless the submissive has declared themselves to be un-owned, another dominant's

interference in a relationship is dishonorable. The exception being obvious signs of abuse. As I stated earlier it’s not your job to be the relationship police, but if something seems wrong, question it.

To chase after or scene with another's submissive without the other dominant's

permission and full knowledge is dishonorable.

No dominant can be expected to live up all of these things we’ve talked about 100% of the time. We’re all human and to be able to live these ideals 24/7 is perfection. As you all know none of us are perfect. None of us are experts including myself. Keep in mind, the harder you try the closer you can get to this ideal. Others will respect you for trying and the harder you try the more respect all will have for you.

Always approach dominance with honesty, respect, and love. Open your mind to learn no matter what the source. Impart your knowledge to others so that they may learn. Most importantly be able to laugh at yourself, don’t take yourself too seriously. Accept that you are not an expert and apply honor to all your actions.